God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns (Funny but True)

14 Mar
God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns  (Funny but True)

Today, I will be speaking to 400 or so Rotarians on how to have a beautiful lawn. As a Master Gardener for Oklahoma State University many such request come through from different groups. I am known at the extension office as “the grass guy”. My presentation will take them from start to finish on how to begin, and maintain, a beautiful lawn. I will break the ice with the audience with this conversation between God and St. Francis. It is funny to me and so true. I hope that you will enjoy it.

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir — just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a real stupid movie about …

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis


Posted by on March 14, 2014 in A LA CARTE


Tags: , , , , ,

18 responses to “God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns (Funny but True)

  1. Arrowheart Ranch

    March 14, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Levi, I did not know you are from OK! I grew up in Arkansas but am in MI now. Love your lead in to the Rotary Club. Very funny. :mrgreen: Enjoy!


    • Levi Thetford

      March 14, 2014 at 7:36 am

      I’m an Okie. Go to Ark. fairly often. Thanks. Have a great day


  2. Michael

    March 14, 2014 at 8:17 am



    • Levi Thetford

      March 14, 2014 at 8:22 am

      This is funny and true isn’t it? Have a great day Michael!


    • Levi Thetford

      March 14, 2014 at 10:30 am

      Where have you been Michael?


      • Michael

        March 14, 2014 at 10:40 am

        In a small slump actually. When that happens, my interests retreat and I couldn’t write if I wanted to. (Well I could but it would be lifeless, like Frankenstein.) I’ve been here keeping up most days but clearly not writing or commenting much. Now the noggin is percolating again and my interest regained. Appreciate you asking. Pray for me!


  3. Sharon

    March 14, 2014 at 8:18 am

    Lol. Great story. Just like us to intervene in God’s perfect plan. We know better after all, right? Have a blessed day. Continually seeking Him, Sharon


    • Levi Thetford

      March 14, 2014 at 8:56 am

      I thought it was funny. Should be a good lead in to teach them to do the opposite. Lol. Have a great day Sharon!


  4. Faith Love n Desire

    March 14, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Great! This is so funny! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!


  5. "light and salt"

    March 14, 2014 at 11:55 am

    Great post, Levi! You are a joy to read…



    • Levi Thetford

      March 14, 2014 at 12:19 pm

      I’m glad you enjoyed Steve. I’m just now getting ready to use that piece. Thanks



    March 15, 2014 at 4:00 am



  7. Moore to ponder

    March 15, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    Howdy neighbor ( I live in the north-western part of Arkansas). I loved this!

    Based on this, the Lord must be pleased with me. I use all of my leaves as organic mulch for all of my shrubs. My backyard is on the north side of the house, and I have 4 or 5 trees back there and a huge family of happy hydrangeas. I also have gardenias, rhododendrons, an azalea, and roses. 🙂

    Do you have any advice on dealing with fire ants? I have been having trouble with them for about 3 years now.


    • Levi Thetford

      March 16, 2014 at 6:48 am

      You are a half way neighbor. I’m in your part of Ark. Fairly often. Fire ants can be killed out fairly easy. You will need to purchase an insecticide to kill them. A liquid one is better. Make sure to find all of their entrances into their mounds. Just follow directions on label. You can try boiling hot water pour immediately into the mound to kill the young as well as the larvae. If this doesn’t help let me know. Have a great Sunday!


  8. Petra

    March 16, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Haha! I don’t rake leaves, I mow them. But after reflecting on yesterday’s activities, I am guilty as charged, hating the weeds and wishing for grass. I long for little green rectangles and will fight for them even if I keep losing. I wonder, though, since we are such copycats, why has no one thought of having perfect yellow rectangles? However, since no one did, I will go to war on dandelions soon. I’m a hopeless Suburbanite. 🙂


    • Levi Thetford

      March 16, 2014 at 9:48 am

      I teach people how to have the green rectangles. A weed is anything green that is in a place we don’t want it to be. I thought this was funny. It was a good ice breaker for the Rotarians.



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